Laughter.......it truly IS the best medicine!

Marty was putting together some video that we had taken several years ago of the grandkids and also some of the last vacation we took before his lung surgery.   There was so much laughter in them.   He and I.....laughing and having a good time.  

Somewhere in the last several years I seem to have lost that.  What has happened to me?   I've been told that I am way too serious anymore.   I don't try to be.  It's not my intention to be.    I have plenty to be happy about and thankful for.  Maybe it's all the things I have to think about as a caregiver.   I have a lot on my plate.   Why can't I just laugh???????

Perhaps it's because when you laugh you have to let go and relax.   That's hard to do sometimes when you have so many things to think about.  Although, I'm actually less busy than I was when the kids were in school and we were running here, there and everywhere with them.  Rushing home to be sure everyone was fed and where they needed to be.  I am home almost every evening.     

Have I lost the ability to laugh and enjoy life?   No......I don't think so.   I mean, I'm not a sad person. I think maybe I've just forgotten how.   I think this will be my new goal.   Be happy.....Be joyful......Put some laughter back in our lives.  

When we laugh we feel better......and who doesn't want to feel better???   

PEACE.............

Peace......Do we really know what that is?   Truly???  As a caregiver you go through so much turmoil taking care of the one you love.  It can be hard to feel that peace.   God has really been dealing with me in that area.   The pressure of making sure everything is done and getting it "just right" is sometimes more than you can bear.   

Caregiver......what is the definition???  "... a person who gives help and protection to someone (such as a child, an old person, or someone who is sick)"   I never really thought about the responsibilities of a caregiver.   Help and protection.   It's true though.   I sit at work and think and worry (I know, I know.....worry is a no-no).   As a caregiver it's my responsibility to make sure Marty has everything he needs and that he is safe.   No falling, that he eats right, that he takes his medications correctly, that he checks his sugar, and much more.....  

Stepping back and thinking about that.  It's no wonder I have trouble with Peace.   But God is our peace.   I am learning that I can fall in the arms of Jesus and He can be my perfect peace.    

I continue to pray that I can do that and not dwell on the "ifs" and "what ifs".     What happens and how I take care of Marty is truly in God's hands.   I MUST lean on Him and know that I can have that perfect peace and not worry. All of our needs will be met and Marty will be taken care of.   

FRUSTRATION..............

Frustration.........there it is.  Why do the things of this life make us so frustrated?   I KNOW my God will supply everything I need, but I insist on being frustrated that what I need isn't there right away.

Something happened this week and it dawned on me that maybe God is trying to show me that when we pray for a specific thing, His answer or solution to that prayer may not be what we expect......or necessarily want.

I have this bill that is due on the 20th of each month.  That date almost always falls too early for one of my checks to be in.   I have the ability to go online prior to that date and extend the date to the 24th (which is normally right at one of my paychecks).  It's our satellite bill.    Well.....I forgot to extend the date.  The 20th came and went.  No T.V. for now.

Now Marty and I have been discussing trimming it down for a while or even just cancelling.  Partly because a different company is in the process of running fiber optic cable and we'll finally be able to get that at a much cheaper price.  Partly because it's one bill that could be smaller.    I've been fighting him tooth and nail because I feel bad.   Marty doesn't have a whole lot to do during the day and I feel that cutting out t.v. or getting less channels will be a bad/hard thing for him.   

Now, after being totally frustrated with myself when Marty tried to turn on the t.v. that morning and there was nothing, I started thinking about it and praying on my way to work.    Without having to scrape to pay that bill, I was able to pay three other bills that were due.   I wouldn't have been able to pay them if the satellite bill had been paid out of this check.   I think God was trying to show me.  He allowed me to "forget" to extend that due date.   It all works out and we aren't going to die without satellite t.v.    Marty has other things he can do to keep him occupied during the day.  The world isn't going to stop spinning because we don't have t.v.   I'm not excited to miss some of the shows we watch on a regular basis, but we will survive.   

There is a song that just keeps playing on the radio.  I've always liked it, but I think it really fits what this is all about.   Laura Story sings it.  It is called Blessings

"Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

URL:http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/laurastory/blessings.html

Sometimes we are so upset by things that happen in our lives.   I'm learning to step back and pray that God reveals the reason things happen.   Sometimes He does, sometimes He doesn't.  Ultimately it all works out in the end though.   God is so much bigger than the things that frustrate us.  

Fear v. Faith.....

Fear.......it's scary stuff.   I have always been of the mindset that fear is the opposite of faith and I definitely don't want to be the opposite of faith!!!!   Sometimes though the thoughts just pop into your head and that fear just wells up inside of you.  It's hard to shake.  

My biggest fears in being a caregiver are "what if something happens to me"...."what if I get sick".... "who will take care of Marty".   All these things (and a few more) roll around in my head,   I'm just not sure what would happen if I truly did get sick.    

These things come to mind because I am sick right now.   It's only a chest cold, but what if it turned into something bigger?????   I'm taking care of myself, but what if???????

I know, I know, this totally is not faith talking.   I need to trust God and have faith.  Faith that I will get better.  Faith that if something did happen Marty would be fine.  Faith that someone would step up and fill in the caregiver gap.    

So today, I am deciding to shove fear right out of the way and hold tight to FAITH!!!!!

Assistant Nurse . . . a/k/a Lady the Dog

Well.......we have this dog.   We have had her since she was about 3 months old and she's Marty's buddy.  She thinks she's Marty's nurse.   

I know they say that dogs sense things, but this dog is crazy amazing.   She can tell us that Marty's not feeling well and that something is coming before we even realize it.   When he has passed out she has come and gotten me or Amy up out of bed to help.   She has fussed and smelled his leg and been extremely figgity.  Come to find out he had a bad infection.  We have learned to pay attention when she acts funny around Marty.

Our most recent event with Lady the Nurse-Dog was this past Saturday.   Marty was walking in from the car and had some kind of "spell".  He got dizzy and almost blacked out while walking up the ramp.   I got him in the house and sat him in the kitchen at the table.   Lady ended up being left outside.   Our outside porch door has a window pane missing.  It's not a large opening.  Lady was so anxious to get inside to Marty that she squeezed her big German Shepherd body through that little bitty hole.  It was so funny.   Then....once I got Marty in and down in the chair I really had to go to the bathroom.  I went in and Lady came running in, jumping all over me.  It was as if she was saying, "Hey mom....get in there....Dad needs you!!!"    

She is an amazing dog.  She is truly Marty's best friend.  She loves him so much and I think she'd do absolutely anything for him.   

So......Lady and I have this caregiver stuff well in hand.   It's all good........   

Stress is not my friend.........

I was driving into work yesterday morning and I had this overwhelming sense of anxiety and stress come over me.    I prayed almost the entire way to work and it just wasn't going away.  

My question becomes, "Why am I so stressed?"   Is it the worry of money (or lack thereof)?   It is worrying about Marty's health?  or is it a lack of trust in God?   I don't know why I just can't trust God for the things that seem so big.   Bottom line, I think that is the real issue.  It is so easy to say "oh yes, I trust God for everything in my life" when things are going great, but when your back is up against a wall and you are facing major trials in your life, it's hard to see relief.  It's hard to then say, "yes, I still trust God for everything in my life".   It's that problem "self" that makes us want to try to fix it all.  

I've always had an issue with that.  Being a "fixer".  Thinking that it's my job to fix everything for everybody.  Some things you just can't fix.  YOU can't fix them, but God can.  I think the biggest issue is that we have trouble waiting to see what God has in store.  Waiting on His timing and His plan.   We always think our plan is so much better because we think it should be right now!  

For now, I'm just going to take a deep breath, step back, relax and know that God is the one in control.  While stress is most definitely NOT my friend.......God certainly is.  And He's got my back.  

Fall Retreat...........

Ahhhh......Fall Retreat.   This is something our church has done for many, many years.   The last two years we haven't been able to go and I've missed it so much.   It was up in the air as to whether we were going to miss again this year, but at the last minute we decided we could go.   So very glad we did.  Although we could only drive down and spend the day on Saturday, it was so wonderful.   

There's something about hanging out with your friends from church in a setting that isn't just sitting in the pews.  You can visit and talk and get to know people on a very different level.   People that maybe you haven't had the opportunity to talk to very often, you can just sit and find out more about them.  

As we sat at one of the campsites listening to all the little ones I started thinking back about when we were the kids with the little ones running around and how it was a "community".   We all had each other's backs with the kids and we were there for each other in everything.   I love it that I'm seeing that in all of our kids with their kids.   They have all grown up together the way we all did and I can say that we are truly family.   Even though Marty and I only have three kids of our own, we have a multitude of "kids" that we would do anything for.   

Here's to many, many more Fall Retreats.  :)