Laughter.......it truly IS the best medicine!

Marty was putting together some video that we had taken several years ago of the grandkids and also some of the last vacation we took before his lung surgery.   There was so much laughter in them.   He and I.....laughing and having a good time.  

Somewhere in the last several years I seem to have lost that.  What has happened to me?   I've been told that I am way too serious anymore.   I don't try to be.  It's not my intention to be.    I have plenty to be happy about and thankful for.  Maybe it's all the things I have to think about as a caregiver.   I have a lot on my plate.   Why can't I just laugh???????

Perhaps it's because when you laugh you have to let go and relax.   That's hard to do sometimes when you have so many things to think about.  Although, I'm actually less busy than I was when the kids were in school and we were running here, there and everywhere with them.  Rushing home to be sure everyone was fed and where they needed to be.  I am home almost every evening.     

Have I lost the ability to laugh and enjoy life?   No......I don't think so.   I mean, I'm not a sad person. I think maybe I've just forgotten how.   I think this will be my new goal.   Be happy.....Be joyful......Put some laughter back in our lives.  

When we laugh we feel better......and who doesn't want to feel better???   

PEACE.............

Peace......Do we really know what that is?   Truly???  As a caregiver you go through so much turmoil taking care of the one you love.  It can be hard to feel that peace.   God has really been dealing with me in that area.   The pressure of making sure everything is done and getting it "just right" is sometimes more than you can bear.   

Caregiver......what is the definition???  "... a person who gives help and protection to someone (such as a child, an old person, or someone who is sick)"   I never really thought about the responsibilities of a caregiver.   Help and protection.   It's true though.   I sit at work and think and worry (I know, I know.....worry is a no-no).   As a caregiver it's my responsibility to make sure Marty has everything he needs and that he is safe.   No falling, that he eats right, that he takes his medications correctly, that he checks his sugar, and much more.....  

Stepping back and thinking about that.  It's no wonder I have trouble with Peace.   But God is our peace.   I am learning that I can fall in the arms of Jesus and He can be my perfect peace.    

I continue to pray that I can do that and not dwell on the "ifs" and "what ifs".     What happens and how I take care of Marty is truly in God's hands.   I MUST lean on Him and know that I can have that perfect peace and not worry. All of our needs will be met and Marty will be taken care of.   

FRUSTRATION..............

Frustration.........there it is.  Why do the things of this life make us so frustrated?   I KNOW my God will supply everything I need, but I insist on being frustrated that what I need isn't there right away.

Something happened this week and it dawned on me that maybe God is trying to show me that when we pray for a specific thing, His answer or solution to that prayer may not be what we expect......or necessarily want.

I have this bill that is due on the 20th of each month.  That date almost always falls too early for one of my checks to be in.   I have the ability to go online prior to that date and extend the date to the 24th (which is normally right at one of my paychecks).  It's our satellite bill.    Well.....I forgot to extend the date.  The 20th came and went.  No T.V. for now.

Now Marty and I have been discussing trimming it down for a while or even just cancelling.  Partly because a different company is in the process of running fiber optic cable and we'll finally be able to get that at a much cheaper price.  Partly because it's one bill that could be smaller.    I've been fighting him tooth and nail because I feel bad.   Marty doesn't have a whole lot to do during the day and I feel that cutting out t.v. or getting less channels will be a bad/hard thing for him.   

Now, after being totally frustrated with myself when Marty tried to turn on the t.v. that morning and there was nothing, I started thinking about it and praying on my way to work.    Without having to scrape to pay that bill, I was able to pay three other bills that were due.   I wouldn't have been able to pay them if the satellite bill had been paid out of this check.   I think God was trying to show me.  He allowed me to "forget" to extend that due date.   It all works out and we aren't going to die without satellite t.v.    Marty has other things he can do to keep him occupied during the day.  The world isn't going to stop spinning because we don't have t.v.   I'm not excited to miss some of the shows we watch on a regular basis, but we will survive.   

There is a song that just keeps playing on the radio.  I've always liked it, but I think it really fits what this is all about.   Laura Story sings it.  It is called Blessings

"Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

URL:http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/laurastory/blessings.html

Sometimes we are so upset by things that happen in our lives.   I'm learning to step back and pray that God reveals the reason things happen.   Sometimes He does, sometimes He doesn't.  Ultimately it all works out in the end though.   God is so much bigger than the things that frustrate us.  

Fear v. Faith.....

Fear.......it's scary stuff.   I have always been of the mindset that fear is the opposite of faith and I definitely don't want to be the opposite of faith!!!!   Sometimes though the thoughts just pop into your head and that fear just wells up inside of you.  It's hard to shake.  

My biggest fears in being a caregiver are "what if something happens to me"...."what if I get sick".... "who will take care of Marty".   All these things (and a few more) roll around in my head,   I'm just not sure what would happen if I truly did get sick.    

These things come to mind because I am sick right now.   It's only a chest cold, but what if it turned into something bigger?????   I'm taking care of myself, but what if???????

I know, I know, this totally is not faith talking.   I need to trust God and have faith.  Faith that I will get better.  Faith that if something did happen Marty would be fine.  Faith that someone would step up and fill in the caregiver gap.    

So today, I am deciding to shove fear right out of the way and hold tight to FAITH!!!!!

Assistant Nurse . . . a/k/a Lady the Dog

Well.......we have this dog.   We have had her since she was about 3 months old and she's Marty's buddy.  She thinks she's Marty's nurse.   

I know they say that dogs sense things, but this dog is crazy amazing.   She can tell us that Marty's not feeling well and that something is coming before we even realize it.   When he has passed out she has come and gotten me or Amy up out of bed to help.   She has fussed and smelled his leg and been extremely figgity.  Come to find out he had a bad infection.  We have learned to pay attention when she acts funny around Marty.

Our most recent event with Lady the Nurse-Dog was this past Saturday.   Marty was walking in from the car and had some kind of "spell".  He got dizzy and almost blacked out while walking up the ramp.   I got him in the house and sat him in the kitchen at the table.   Lady ended up being left outside.   Our outside porch door has a window pane missing.  It's not a large opening.  Lady was so anxious to get inside to Marty that she squeezed her big German Shepherd body through that little bitty hole.  It was so funny.   Then....once I got Marty in and down in the chair I really had to go to the bathroom.  I went in and Lady came running in, jumping all over me.  It was as if she was saying, "Hey mom....get in there....Dad needs you!!!"    

She is an amazing dog.  She is truly Marty's best friend.  She loves him so much and I think she'd do absolutely anything for him.   

So......Lady and I have this caregiver stuff well in hand.   It's all good........   

Stress is not my friend.........

I was driving into work yesterday morning and I had this overwhelming sense of anxiety and stress come over me.    I prayed almost the entire way to work and it just wasn't going away.  

My question becomes, "Why am I so stressed?"   Is it the worry of money (or lack thereof)?   It is worrying about Marty's health?  or is it a lack of trust in God?   I don't know why I just can't trust God for the things that seem so big.   Bottom line, I think that is the real issue.  It is so easy to say "oh yes, I trust God for everything in my life" when things are going great, but when your back is up against a wall and you are facing major trials in your life, it's hard to see relief.  It's hard to then say, "yes, I still trust God for everything in my life".   It's that problem "self" that makes us want to try to fix it all.  

I've always had an issue with that.  Being a "fixer".  Thinking that it's my job to fix everything for everybody.  Some things you just can't fix.  YOU can't fix them, but God can.  I think the biggest issue is that we have trouble waiting to see what God has in store.  Waiting on His timing and His plan.   We always think our plan is so much better because we think it should be right now!  

For now, I'm just going to take a deep breath, step back, relax and know that God is the one in control.  While stress is most definitely NOT my friend.......God certainly is.  And He's got my back.  

Fall Retreat...........

Ahhhh......Fall Retreat.   This is something our church has done for many, many years.   The last two years we haven't been able to go and I've missed it so much.   It was up in the air as to whether we were going to miss again this year, but at the last minute we decided we could go.   So very glad we did.  Although we could only drive down and spend the day on Saturday, it was so wonderful.   

There's something about hanging out with your friends from church in a setting that isn't just sitting in the pews.  You can visit and talk and get to know people on a very different level.   People that maybe you haven't had the opportunity to talk to very often, you can just sit and find out more about them.  

As we sat at one of the campsites listening to all the little ones I started thinking back about when we were the kids with the little ones running around and how it was a "community".   We all had each other's backs with the kids and we were there for each other in everything.   I love it that I'm seeing that in all of our kids with their kids.   They have all grown up together the way we all did and I can say that we are truly family.   Even though Marty and I only have three kids of our own, we have a multitude of "kids" that we would do anything for.   

Here's to many, many more Fall Retreats.  :)

Doctor Day.

Today is what we call "doctor day" at our house.   I try to make whatever doctor appointments Marty has on one day then I take that day off work.   It stinks a little bit to take a vacation day just to go to doctor appointments, but it beats taking multiple long lunches and have to make up time.

Saw a new endocrinologist today.   I was very impressed.  She changed Marty's insulin regimen so  we'll see how things go.   Bad thing was we had to drive all the way to Noblesville.   Wasn't a bad little jaunt though.

Next is the primary care doctor.  He also added meds.   Needless to say we have a pharmacy at our house.  Always trying something new to get just the right combination.

We are home finally.  Left at 9:00 this morning and got back home at 4:45.  Even though doctor day is a busy day it does give me time to spend with Marty.  We get a chance to just ride in the car and talk.  We had lunch together and just enjoyed each other's company.

I try to always look for the good in every situation.   Even if it IS a doctor day.....

Caregiver fail.............

Oh my gosh.........There are so many things to remember and do as a caregiver.   When one of those things slips through the cracks it makes me feel like a total failure.

That happened yesterday.  There are certain things that have to be done with Marty's prosthetic.  One is having to clean the rubber sleeve that goes on his stump before the leg.   Once a week or so it needs to be sanitized to keep bacteria from growing.   If it doesn't get sanitized, the potential for bacteria or infection on Marty's stump is likely.  

Well.......I got busy.   So busy that that thing hasn't been properly sanitized for a while.    :(   When I was helping Marty out of the shower I got a look at the back of his leg.....  Uh oh.....  There is a fairly good sized red, blistery looking thing on the back of his stump.  Now, I see his stump every night when I have to get him in bed.   But....I apparently don't look closely enough at the back of it to notice something like this.   Number two caregiver fail.......

We have medicine for these types of bacterial infections, and it will heal, but that's not the point.   The point is I'm letting myself get so distracted by the busyness of things that I'm not doing my job.   My caregiver job.   I'm really trying not to beat myself up, but sometimes it's really hard not to dwell on the things that you miss.  

Lesson learned.   That sleeve has already been sanitized and in a big way!!!!!   I'm going to wash anything that has to come in contact with his stump and this WILL heal and it WON'T happen again.   (well at least I hope not.....but if it does we will deal with it)  

Money........wish it weren't an issue.

Money…….it sucks.  But you can’t live in this world without it.   I’m trying really hard to get a handle on our bills, but some weeks are easier than others.  I know that God will supply all our needs.  Sometimes though our “wants” just get in the way. 

We live on what I make at my job and what Marty gets from disability.   With all the fun government healthcare, Marty now doesn’t qualify for Medicaid.   We always had a big spenddown, but the Medicaid always paid his Medicare premium.  No longer…..   Now that premium comes out of his disability check.   So…less money coming in. 

I just get so frustrated sometimes.  Robbing peter to pay paul.  Some days/weeks/months just exhaust me when it comes to figuring out what’s going to get paid and what isn’t.   I’m always praying that nothing monumental happens (you know, car repairs, household repairs, etc.)    There is just not extra money for that.  

Then there is winter…….   The daunting task of making sure we have heat!   Our landlord installed these cool gas heaters last winter.  They are awesome, except…….you gotta have gas!!!!!    

I’m saying all of this to remind myself that my God is bigger than all of these fears and doubts about money and any other thing that troubles us.  He will take care of it.  We just need to trust Him.  

Water......not having it sucks!

Oh what a start to my day.  Remember that we live in an old farmhouse, right?   Well, with that joy of country living comes lots of fun.....not!   Again, last night we lost water.  Went out to mess with the pump to get it to kick back on.  Nope!!!!  No power to the pumphouse.  Very irritating.

Next problem.....basement flooded.   Both in one night......totally unrelated.   Just love trapsing around in nasty water in my boots!  lol

Well, this morning the repairman came and worked on getting the basement empty and the sump pump fixed, as well as temporarily getting the water pump fixed until Monday.   Hopefully we will continue to have water all weekend.

That brings me to the topic.  Not having water sucks.  You absolutely don't realize how much you need and use water in everything you do.   I stayed home this morning until the repairman finished.  Great.....I can use this time to get a few things done around the house while he's working.   Dishes.....no water; Laundry.....no water; Mop Kitchen Floor....no water; Clean Bathroom...no water.  Every time I turned around to do something, I realized I needed water for that.  

Water is one of the basic things, but it is so very important in our lives.  There are a lot of things like that.  The smallest thing can make such a big impact.   I think that's why its so important to appreciate every single thing that God has blessed us with.  You never do know when you will be without it.

So go turn on a faucet and enjoy that running water!!!!!

Wow how time flies.....

I got a text from my daughter in law one day last week.   It was one of those "back in time" pictures.  It talked about her first day back to school and about Marty's surgery.  OMG!!!!!!  Has it been two years?????   On September 4, 2012, our lives changed dramatically.  Oh it had been progressively changing over the past six years, but this date was probably the biggest.

About a year and a half prior, Marty had an accident with hot grease while cooking.  It created a blister on his heel.   After two surgeries, home nursing care, horrible bone/blood infections, i.v. antibiotics at home, a few hospital stays and many trips to the wound center, the decision was made to remove his leg, 13 inches below the knee.

It has been an emotional roller coaster for both of us.   It's really hard to change the entire way you live.   We have had to make adjustments to our house, with the way we do certain things, and also the way we view life.  

I have always been a "glass half full" kind of girl.  I always want to look at the good things in a situation no matter how bad it is.   I have to say there have been times through all of this that my glass was leaking.....   It can be easy to let sadness and depression creep in.   BUT - God has a way of patching the leaks.  

People come up to me and say, "Oh you are so strong, how do you do it?"   The answer I most often give..... "I don't have a choice".   Things happen......hard things happen.....bad things happen.     If we are determined to trust God to help us through, we truly don't have a choice but to stand strong, press forward and know that everything will be o.k.  

Be blessed friends.......

Splatter Cleaning

Have you ever had so much to do that you just start "splatter cleaning"????  In case you don't know what that is, splatter cleaning is not being able to focus on one task because you walk by another task or one pops in your head and you just start working on that, leaving the one you first started behind.  Oh, you'll get back to the other one....you just don't know when. Lol.  Well, Saturday was my day of splatter.  

I have a very hard time getting much accomplished during the week.   By the time I get home, make dinner, maybe do a few dishes or some laundry, I'm toast and ready for bed.  I have so many things that go on the back burner just because I'm tired.  I know, I know, not much of an excuse, but it is what it is.  I get done what I can and the rest just has to wait.    So that explains my splatter effect!  :)

Saturday was a really good day though.  Although I didn't get a lot done, I felt like I at least made a dent in a few things.  Tons more to do, but at least I got a head start.  I guess I need to just keep pushing forward.   I learned a long time ago.....no matter what you are going through, you just have to keep moving forward.  Don't look to the right or the left and definitely don't look behind.  Just keep looking ahead.   God will meet you there and keep things in perspective.

With God you can do ANYTHING!!!!!

Oh the things I’ve learned.   Marty’s health started failing in about 2006.  Slowly, but little by little, he could do less and less.   I’ve always considered myself fairly self sufficient.  Meaning, if there was something that needed to be done, I would give it my best shot.  BUT….being an only child I was just a tad bit spoiled (o.k., o.k., I was a lot spoiled…..)  If someone (Marty in particular) offered to take care of something……”o.k., have at it”.

That being said, the “spoiled me” is being replaced by the “I can do anything me”.   Some days that’s a good thing.  Others….not so much.   A few days ago was a prime example.  We had thunderstorms all night.  The power was on and off a lot and finally went off for about 3 hours.  That in itself was a pretty bad deal.  It’s hot and muggy, so there is no air conditioner, no fans and to top it off, Marty has no CPAP or oxygen.  I open all the windows and pray that he can make it until the power comes back on.   About 2:00 a.m. it’s all back on.   So now I close all the windows, make sure everything is back on the way it is supposed to be and try to go to sleep for a few hours. 

We live in an old farmhouse.   Things sometimes happen that I’m just not excited about.  When the power goes on and off a lot the pump tends to get waterlogged.   When that happens we have no water.   It’s 6:00 a.m., still raining and dark.   I trudge out to the pumphouse.  Sure enough.  Waterlogged.   To fix this you must turn off the power to the pumphouse.  (remember it’s dark…..only have a flashlight in the icky old pumphouse….ewwww)  J  I have to open up two valves and let some water run out.  Then it’s a “glug, glug, glug” for about 10 to 15 minutes to let all the air out.   Close up the valves, turn on the power and pray the pump kicks on.   Yep!  Hit the switch and we have pressure.   Back to the house to begin my day. 

I’m telling you all of this to say ….. don’t ever say that you can’t do something.   God has a way of showing you just what you CAN do.  Never underestimate yourself.   With God ALL things are possible.  

Something to think about.....

A wonderful friend of mine sent this to me the other day.    Today I'm praying for everyone out there who is also a caregiver.   May they have strength beyond measure.

And Go...................

The life of a caregiver……. a place I never imagined I would be.   I have just been feeling the need to share some struggles (and some good things as well).  I’m going to start with what my day is like.  These are the things I do on a daily basis.  It’s hard to comprehend unless you’re the one going through it.

Sometimes I’m not even sure I comprehend it all.  Well….here it is… what my days are like….. AND GO!

Alarm goes off at 5:30

Hit snooze a couple times.  (I would probably have more time in the morning if I skipped this step, but after you see the rest of my day, you’ll understand my desire for just a little….more….sleep…..even ever-so-briefly). 

Get up and let the dogs out.

Go to the bathroom myself.

Let the dogs back in.

Go out and let the outside dogs out of the cage.

Go in and make sure Marty’s knee walker is close enough for him to reach.

Go to kitchen and turn on coffee water.

Follow Marty to bathroom, help him transfer to regular walker and move to get on toilet.

Take knee walker back to the bedroom and gather Marty’s belongings to go beside his chair for the day.

Go back to kitchen and turn the coffee water on low.

Back to the bedroom and gather all the items for Marty’s leg and shoe for the other foot (this sometimes takes two trips).

Go back to the bathroom, get a washcloth hot and wet for Marty to wash his face.

Take the wrap off his stump.  Get the washcloth hot and rinsed again and wash his leg/stump.

Now…I usually have to put medicine and a bandage on a place on his stump and sometimes the other leg.  That happens now.

Next, I have to wash the rubber sleeve that goes on his stump.  Have to wash that with hot soapy water and then dry.  About once a week or so the process of sanitizing it gets added to the mix.

Slide the sleeve on his stump …. (it has to be just right or I have to keep taking it off and re-adjusting).

I now have to put three cloth sleeves over the rubber sleeve to fill in the space between the rubber and the prosthetic.

Before the prosthetic leg goes on, on go the shorts/pants.  Much easier to do before the prosthetic.

Now, I put his leg on him and he can get up and walk into the living room and his chair on his own.

Once he’s up, he puts in his contacts before heading to the living room.

Time for coffee and breakfast.  Usually instant coffee, bacon or some kind of meat and eggs or English muffin.  Something fairly easy like that.  Not usually a complicated breadfast, but must get it done before I can get ready for work.

While Marty is eating, I get his pills in a cup for him to take, then draw his shots.

Time for a sock and shoe on his good leg and must get him a t-shirt.

I throw some food in the dog’s bowl and give them some water.  (at least I try to remember this step….poor pooches on the days I forget!)

Now….. I can get ready for work.  Whew……

All of this from 5:45ish to 7:15.  Hard to believe all this can be done in this short amount of time.  Some mornings are much easier than others.  Many mornings are just bad for Marty.  He has trouble breathing or is nauseated.  We just never do know until we get up.  It’s always a surprise. 

Now…..this is the hardest part for me.  Leaving to go to work.  It breaks my heart each and every morning.  I hate leaving him to have to take care of himself.  I should be able to be here to take care of him.  It has gotten a little better over time, but it is still so hard. 

I work until 5:00 and get home about 5:45 to 6:00.  Takes about 40 to 45 minutes to get home…on a good day.

I get home and try to work on dishes and laundry and get dinner started.  Isn’t always a quick and easy process.  Some evenings I’d just like to go straight to bed!!  (now with three grandkids there are always evenings when there are sporting events and those get added to the mix!)

After dinner sometimes we watch T.V.   I almost feel guilty sitting down when there is so much to do.  The house usually looks a little bit like a train wreck. 

The process for bedtime is kind of like mornings only in reverse.

Get pills and shots ready.  Sometimes he’ll just take his pills with water…sometimes if having tummy trouble he needs to take them with something like chocolate milk.  That takes a bit more time.

Get his toothbrush and spit cup so he doesn’t have to get up.

Help him take his contacts out and put glasses on.

Gather up all of Marty’s things and take them all into the bedroom (sometimes two trips).

Fix his glass of ice water for bed.

Have to fill the ice trays (he’s a little obsessed with ice!!!  Lol)

Somewhere in this mix I get myself ready for bed….contacts out, teeth brushed, jammies, etc.

Must put the outside dogs into their cage for the night.

Time to feed the cats as well (They definitely will not let me forget that!!!)

Then we make the trek into bed.

Help him into bed and take his shorts, shoe, sock and leg off.

If I remembered to grab it, I put a sock-type wrap on Marty’s stump to keep it from swelling.  On nights I forget to grab it in the chaos, now’s the time I go back in and get it to put on.

About every other night I have to check the CPAP machine and be sure it has distilled water in it.

Turn on the air conditioner, fan and O2 machine.

Hmmmmm……I think I can get in bed now.

Understand this is what should happen the majority of days….ALL of this is subject to change….daily.   There are always things that are added on certain days. 

Needless to say I never expected to be a caregiver.  I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tired….a lot.

I’m writing this more for myself than anyone.  I’m hoping it will be therapeutic.  We’ll see……  

Getting Started.....

It's been on my heart for quite some time to start blogging about my experiences of being a caregiver.   Some days I feel like I'm out there on my own with no one knowing exactly what I'm going through.  I know there are others who feel the same way I do.  We never chose to do this, but I, personally, wouldn't want anyone else caring for my husband.  It is a hard road, but with God's help and His grace, I muddle through.

Some of the posts will be lighthearted and funny.  Others maybe not so much.  I just want people to understand that being a caregiver to a family member is a hard thing, but.....it is also extremely rewarding and helps you to understand just how much you love them.

I hope that this blog will help and encourage anyone reading it.   I hope that they will stop by and feel free to leave comments and encouragements of their own.

Be blessed........